Relationship Success Tip #2 - Understanding Equity

What's up everyone??

My last post seemed to generate some controversy, as it brought up issues of how to react when facing conflict. This post hopes to shed some light on the how serious conflict may arise in the first place. The concept I want to use to illustrate this is called "Relationship Equity."

According to Investorwords.com, equity can be expressed as "Total assets minus total liability." It can also mean net worth. Using this term to describe how one stands in a relationship is helpful, as you can have a more objective perspective of the state of things.

Have you ever said a seemingly innocuous comment to a friend, family member, or relationship partner, only to find that he or she TOTALLY overreacted in a negative way? Chances are, you lacked relationship equity with that person.

Think of it like a bank account. Before you start taking money out of the account, you have to put at least that much in. And if you happen to take out more than you had in the account, you not only get hit with an overdraft fee, but you have to pay some very serious interest until you've covered all your debts. In relationships it works just the same.

When you start a new relationship, if you "get off on the right foot" there's already some positive equity on both sides. You've decided you like her for some reason, and she's decided she likes you (she has good taste ;-) ) Chances are, to get this new relationship to grow, you will suggest fun things to do together, or do nice things for her. This might include flirting on the phone, going out on a date or buying her a surprise gift. Every time you take it upon yourself to do something for someone else, and it is well received, you have earned equity in the relationship and moved it forward. This is good!

On the other hand, if you meet someone for the first time, and you do something that bothers them, even slightly, they may cut you out of their life entirely! Imagine walking up to a girl at a bar, who you've never met before and have no prior relationship with, and in an obnoxious way tell her that she's too fat for her dress. You've started from a position of 0 equity (empty bank account) and made a withdrawal. By making a negative comment, you've taken more than you've earned, and lost the opportunity to have a relationship with this person. People always say first impressions are the most important - think about the kind of work it would take to win this person over, after offending her in this way. It would be VERY tough.

These are examples of how equity works in new relationships, but it can definitely be applied to existing ones as well. Lets say you've been dating a girl for 3 months, and in the past few weeks, EVERYTHING has been going great. You have been keeping her on her toes with exciting surprises, and she just can't get enough of you! In this situation - you have a very positive equity balance in this relationship, which is kind of like having a bank account full of cash! Now lets say you slip and say something really dumb, that has the potential to upset her, like "What's your problem? Are you on your period or something?" in response to an agitated moment. This action is just like a withdrawal from your account. Since your balance was very high, there is a buffer against negativity like this. As a general rule, if the impact of your positivity in recent past is 5 times greater than the negativity you bring, you can maintain a very positive relationship. This applies to both sides. If she isn't bringing 5 times as much positivity into your life as she is negativity, maybe its time to sit down and talk.

All that said, what can we do going forward? If we focus on bringing positivity into our relationships, and building that positive equity buffer, we can have stronger, happier, longer-lasting relationships that can withstand any temporary lapse in judgement or mood swings. If we let our balance dwindle...just watch out for those overdraft fees and the interest you're going to pay...they can be PAINFUL.