The biggest issue in communication in relationships is a genuine desire to HEAR your partner. Does this mean turning down the iPod or TV so that you can physically hear her? Not really.
For a man to truly hear a woman, much of the time he needs to look past her words, and listen to her heart. This might sound a bit out there if you've never heard it before, but watch how your relationships change as you take this advice.
-Instead of worrying about "getting what you want" your focus will shift to "giving her what she needs".
-Instead of getting frustrated that "women dont make any sense when they're upset", you can become sensitive and helpful by asking yourself "why is she REALLY upset" and "What can I do to help"?
-Instead of getting frustrated that "women dont make any sense when they're upset", you can become sensitive and helpful by asking yourself "why is she REALLY upset" and "What can I do to help"?
A lot of the time the answer is simple. Let her know that you're on her side, smile, and give her a hug. This will diffuse the situation more than not.
If we could all learn to focus on the true needs of those we cared about, and put our efforts towards fulfilling those needs, the world would be a much friendlier place to live, full of happy, supportive relationships.
10 comments:
maybe your wife should learn to talk her mind. that's what i call an effective communication.
I agree with you that girls very often do not tell you how they are feeling. However, I have to disagree with your approach to that problem. You are rewarding illogical and irrational behavior with positive reinforcement. She'll start thinking to herself, "Gee, he gets tender with me when I act up. I should act up more often." And before long, she'll probably get annoyed with your ostensible lack of backbone. You have to try and quash "chick logic." Not proliferate it.
collin is right ....
you tolerate up to a point, but if you don't take a stand and let her know whats cool and whats not ...then she'll walk all over you
Collin said: "You are rewarding illogical and irrational behavior with positive reinforcement. She'll start thinking to herself, "Gee, he gets tender with me when I act up. I should act up more often."
-It isn't about getting tender, or rewarding / punishing any sort of behavior. What I'm suggesting here is a strategy to shift the timing of arguments, so that both parties can speak their minds and be heard... If you attempt to use logic with your currently angry companion - it will anger them further, since she does not feel as though you are on her side.
Step 1 is to give her the space and feeling of understanding she needs to calm down.
Step 2 is when she's calm and no longer in an agitated state, begin to talk rationally about the issue - so it does not escalate in the same way in the future.
Both Collin and Brad mentioned something about "taking a stand" to presumably defend yourself. In a healthy relationship, you start with 2 strong, independent people who respect each other first and foremost. You are right, in that if either party loses respect for the other, the relationship will degenerate. However, if either party lacks proper conflict resolution/ conflict diffusing skills, any minor conflict has the potential to bring down the relationship.
Sometimes having a backbone means having the ability to do what's right, even if you feel you're being wronged.
Firstly, there is something inherently funny about a 26 year old who has been married for 2 months posting a "Relationship Success" blog. Ken, would you admit that?
Secondly, I think there is definite merit to a lot of what you are saying but ODDLY I actually think a lot of this is kind of insulting to women. I would really like to hear Judith's (Ken's wife) take on it.
Excerpt: "A lot of the time the answer is simple. Let her know that you're on her side, smile, and give her a hug. This will diffuse the situation more than not."
That honestly sounds more like an excerpt from a dog-training book. I think it's kinda patronizing. Give her a hug, diffuse the situation and calmly explain how NO - we go to the bathroom OUTSIDE!!!
Dave said "Firstly, there is something inherently funny about a 26 year old who has been married for 2 months posting a "Relationship Success" blog. Ken, would you admit that?"
I can understand how it could seem odd that a guy my age (25) could claim to know a thing or two about relationships. However - in my time on this earth, I have been exposed to some HORRIBLE relationships, and as a response, specifically committed myself to becoming versed enough in the field, at least enough to meet, attract and marry the girl of my dreams. Through this blog, I hope to share some of the powerful insights I've learned along the way, and hopefully make a difference in the relationships of those around me.
I said in the blog post: "A lot of the time the answer is simple. Let her know that you're on her side, smile, and give her a hug. This will diffuse the situation more than not."
The key to this idea is letting her know you're on her side. A lot of the time this is not just a smile, but this is where the real work is to be done. Thanks for pointing that out Dave. The question is, how can we do that work? That's all about feel, and specific to any given relationship, however, if you keep in mind the GOAL of helping her understand that you are still on her side, despite whatever upset there may be - you will be heading in the right direction.
My original plan was to steer clear of comments on Ken’s blog but since my feedback has been requested I will weigh in.
First, you should know that from time to time most woman get into a bad mood for no particular reason and NOTHING you can say will change that --- no matter how rational your argument sounds. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you --- rather, the fluctuations in our hormones. That is why you need to look past the words spoken and understand that what we are saying rarely is connected to how we are feeling. That is why Ken is suggesting a non-verbal response. Defending yourself or trying to prove your point is useless! HOWEVER, it must be said that there are definitely a fair share of women who are snappier and crankier than others and who use the “PMS” excuse all too often. I am assuming that Ken is not addressing this sort of woman because his advice would include a grater deal of patience and tolerance.
Second, if you do wish to speak rationally to a woman about how she deals with her moods, NEVER broach the topic while she is in the middle of one!!! This will only fuel the flames. Ken is correct in that letting her know you are first and foremost on her side is an EXCELLENT way to show empathy --- thus, the hug and smile. Most of us know that we can be “crazy” and it only makes it worse to look at you and know that you have no clue what is going on with our bodies.
In response to the feedback that this sounds like dog training, I feel as though Ken’s point has been missed. He is sharing a simple cheat sheet that men can resort to on the spot. It is important to realize that most women want you to help break the mood. But it has to be done the right way! I have been in multiple relationships where the guy tries to help by making a bad joke, telling me to cheer up or ignoring me totally. All of these approaches are guaranteed to evoke a negative reaction.
The point is that Ken’s advice will only work if you and your woman have a safe and clear channel of communication on an on-going basis. If you establish enough “relationship equity” than you will have enough wiggle room to discuss your feelings in a positive environment.
Ju -
You two are great don't take it personally. But we all love Kens ramblings, and at times his know it all tendencies. Just let us have fun with him please. No one is really coming to this blog to take Ken seriously unless they don't know him....in that case, well like the Dave said, you could get about the same good info from a dog training book! Hilarious...
Ken - we need some originality on this blog - give us pure honesty, not cliche, oprah stuff...
Plus how could you two ever fight, based what on the little I know, and facebook, I have never seen two people more gaga over each other
don't ruin it for us all!!!!
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